Spent all day feeling like I’m wading through treacle, I’m totally exhausted. Keep doing stupid things like pouring the milk for my coffee into the kettle, almost eating the cat’s dinner as it was in a bowl on the counter beside my soup, flushed the toilet before I used it, couldn’t figure out how to open a letter, opened the door to let the cat in when she’d been sat beside me, keep leaving the fridge open, put my febreeze into the freezer (have no idea why…. Good job it wasn’t a full bottle or it’d have exploded!!), keep making drinks and forgetting to drink them, and just making a new one totally forgetting all the old mugs of cold tea everywhere, taking all my medication in preparation to eat and then forget, so I have to wait 4 hours before I can try again, oh and I’ve been wearing my jumper inside out all day and never noticed (a visitor pointed it out to me)…. The list goes on and on.
Feels like it’s too hard to breathe deep enough so I’m dead dizzy, and the orthostatic intolerance & tachycardia is really bad so I’ve been trying to avoid standing up so I’ve spent the day crawling round the flat. No amount of naps seem to be working so I think I just need to sleep for a few days…. But I doubt my sleep disorder will play nicely and actually let me sleep. It stops me getting into REM sleep properly so I end up waking up every 3 or 4 minutes all night. And as I don’t get into REM I rarely get into deep sleep, and the few moments I get into REM ok I end up sleepwalking, sleep talking, have night terrors etc. fun fun fun!
Gah! Hate being this tired. Would love to be able to have as much energy as ‘normal’ people have and not need to nap every 2 hours or so to survive the day! And i get really annoyed when they whinge about being ‘exhausted’ when they’re still able to go out and dance, have fun, do sports etc without any problems at all and brag about how late they stayed up partying and how they were able to get up for work the very next day and manage to do their job ok. It’s not fair! If I tried to do even a little of that kind of stuff when I’m exhausted I end up with my tachycardia getting up into stupid bpm rates, blood pressure dropping into my boots (and so extremely dizzy), my feet turning blue and numb, a gut that refuses to do peristalsis and I eventually black out for several hours. Not forgetting the slurring of my words, the appalling brain fog, the vision disturbances, the migraine and the staggering around like I’m drunk etc before the black-out happens. I think when I get knocked out unconscious I’m actually just asleep, and that my body hit the point of exhaustion when my batteries totally run out and so my body gets ‘turned off’ to stop me dying. but so deeply asleep that no one can wake me no matter how hard they try.
Oh, and when people ask how you are and I say I’m tired and they say ‘oh I know how you feel, I’m completely exhausted!’ but are still able to bounce around and function without any problems, and go shopping to a large high street and walk around for hours and hours without needing a break. Yeah right…. Methinks they mean they’re tired, not actually exhausted. Methinks it’s the same as people saying that they’re ‘starving’ when they’re just hungry. I just hope they never end up with CFS or a similar condition that makes them able to feel what real exhaustion is actually like, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone as it totally sucks.
Surely I have enough conditions to not need chronic fatigue too.?! It’s not fair, why cant I have just a few normal energy days so I can actually get stuff done! Needing to sleep every 2hours is really rather irritating.
Ok, rant over….and I admit that it’s a little unfair to compare my fatigue to anyone elses as it’s all relative etc, I just wish they’d remember that I have CFS so please don’t say that I can’t possibly be as exhausted as them... cos I’m usually more tired but don’t moan about it as it’s pointless as I have it every day…(sorry for moaning!)
On a more positive note, my doctor’s appointment yesterday went great and I’m finally being tested for gluten intolerance. Woo! And so hoping my new chair will allow me to save a few spoons so I’m not running at a deficit every day. Anyone curious about the spoon reference check out this link:Spoon Theory from butyoudontlooksick.com
Going to bed now and gonna get loads of sleep… hopefully…..
hey fiona
ReplyDeletewading through treacle, i know that so well!!
i had to use my old glasses today, because i forget where i put my old ones.
i really understand the confusion with this disorder. i have to laugh at myself, however some days i get plain annoyed, grrrrr.
from your fellow red converse wearer! x